So we've all heard it before. Active language always trumps passive language, especially in prose. I can almost hear the collective sigh of "duh" coming from everyone.
But it didn't occur to me until I saw today's post on the Angelic Muse blog (you should follow this blog if you don't already) that active language is also more likely to get an agent's attention in a query, synopsis or pitch. That I should be making the same efforts toward active language in those pieces as I am in my manuscripts.
So I am going to take the three different pitch lengths that I've drafted, and try to make them as active as possible. Keep in mind that these are only revisions, and they will probably need more tweaking before I submit them. Also remember: Before you start drafting your own pitches, ask yourself: "What is the main thing my main character wants?"
Logline (the gotcha one-liner):
Original draft:
When fifteen-year-old Marnie Sayebrooke is transported to a world called Anderli, where the land is destroyed by floods and a recurrence of famine, it’s up to her to hone the powers she inherited from ancient group of people called Momenta to save the land from Terrsarah, an evil sorceress, before Anderli is destroyed and the universe starts to unravel.
Revised draft:
When Marnie Sayebrooke is transported to the magical realm of Anderli, she must use her ancient powers to save the land before it disappears.
Short Pitch (3-5 sentences max):
Original draft:
In the land of Anderli, the trees are dying, the lake has disintegrated, and the fungus that ravaged the farmlands is showing signs of re-emerging. According to Rags, a beggar with a keen sense of Anderli’s place among other worlds, the land’s fate lies with fifteen-year-old Marnie Sayebrooke, from Spring Oak, California--one of the last known Momenta. Unfortunately, Marnie’s latest claim to fame is colliding with a parked Ford pick-up on her bike. When Marnie is transported to Anderli, she must learn to use her ancient powers to save the land efore it disappears under the corruption of Terrsarah, a sorceress fueled by her hatred of Momenta.
Revised draft:
The land of Anderli is dying, and a recurring fungus is killing everyone’s crops. The land’s fate lies with fifteen-year-old Marnie Sayebrooke, from Spring Oak, California, one of the last known Momenta. Terrsarah, a sorceress fueled by Momentan hatred, drives the dark forces behind the destruction, and Marnie must use her newfound abilities to save Anderli, the place she now calls home, before it disintegrates.
Longer Pitch (to be used in a query):
Original draft:
In the land of Anderli, the trees are dying, the lake has disintegrated, and the fungus that ravaged the farmlands is showing signs of re-emerging. According to Rags, a beggar with a keen sense of Anderli’s place among other worlds, the land’s fate lies with fifteen-year-old Marnie Sayebrooke, from Spring Oak, California. Unfortunately, Marnie’s latest claim to fame is colliding with a parked Ford pick-up on her bike. When Marnie arrives in Anderli by the aid of a Triskeleon, the ancient bracelet linked to her bloodline, she doesn’t believe it's up to her to save Anderli. But she soon discovers abilities to manipulate time and space, skills remnant of ancient people called Momenta. Weatherby, a warlock, has enlisted Quinn, a warlock-in-training, to support her, even though Marnie can’t stop blushing when Quinn shows her defensive tactics. Before Anderli disintegrates, Marnie must locate the impostor who works for Terrsarah, a powerful sorceress fueled by her hatred of Momenta. But it isn’t until she discovers Rags’s true identity that Marnie understands the implications of Terrsarah’s corruption—that if Anderli is destroyed, the universe will start to unravel.
Revised draft:
The land of Anderli is dying; a recurring fungus is killing everyone’s crops, and men are disappearing. According to Rags, a beggar with a sense of Anderli’s place among worlds, the land’s fate lies with fifteen-year-old Marnie Sayebrooke from Spring Oak, California. Unfortunately, Marnie’s latest claim to fame is colliding with a parked Ford pick-up on her bike. When Marnie is transported to Anderli by way of a Triskeleon, an ancient bracelet linked to her bloodline, she doesn’t believe she can save an entire land. But she soon discovers the skills she inherited from the ancient Momenta; abilities to manipulate time and space. Quinn, a warlock-in-training, offers her support, but Marnie can’t stop blushing when he shows her defensive tactics. Before Anderli disappears, Marnie must locate the impostor who works for Terrsarah, a powerful sorceress fueled by her hatred of Momenta. When she discovers Rags’s true identity, Marnie realizes that if Anderli is destroyed, she will not only lose the people she loves; the universe will untimately unravel.
The biggest struggle I had when making these revisions was maintaining the uniqueness of my story when I cleaned up the writing. This was especially true with the logline--without an opportunity to describe Marnie's powers and why they were important, it sounds just like any other sci-fi/fantasy story. Another challenge was keeping an acceptable rhythm--and I'm still not sure if the last line of the longer pitch resonates the way I want it to.
What challenges have you run into when tightening your pitches?
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