Take a look at the draft and see if you can spot where I went wrong:
"The land of Anderli is dying; a recurring fungus is killing crops, and men are disappearing. Many fear An Gorta Mór, The Great Hunger, will recur.
According to Rags, a beggar with a sense of Anderli’s place among worlds, the land’s fate lies with fifteen-year-old Marnie Sayebrooke from Spring Oak, California. Unfortunately, Marnie’s latest claim to fame is colliding with a parked Ford pick-up on her bike.
When Marnie is transported to Anderli by way of a Triskeleon, an ancient bracelet linked to her bloodline, she doesn’t believe she can save an entire land. But she soon discovers the skills she inherited from the ancient Momenta; abilities to manipulate time and space. Quinn, a warlock-in-training, offers support, but Marnie can’t stop blushing when he shows her defensive tactics.
Before Anderli disappears, Marnie must locate the impostor who works for Terrsarah, a powerful sorceress fueled by her hatred of Momenta. But when Marnie discovers Rags’s true identity, she realizes that if Anderli is destroyed, she will not only lose the people she loves; the universe will ultimately unravel."
A bit longwinded, right? When I took a closer look at the page I realized why: the middle paragraph didn't need to be there at all. Take a look at the revised query, with the middle paragraph omitted:
"The land of Anderli is dying; a recurring fungus is killing crops, and men are disappearing. Many fear An Gorta Mór, The Great Hunger, will recur.
According to Rags, a beggar with a sense of Anderli’s place among worlds, the land’s fate lies with fifteen-year-old Marnie Sayebrooke from Spring Oak, California. Unfortunately, Marnie’s latest claim to fame is colliding with a parked Ford pick-up on her bike.
Before Anderli disappears, Marnie must locate the impostor who works for Terrsarah, a powerful sorceress fueled by her hatred of Momenta. But when Marnie discovers Rags’s true identity, she realizes that if Anderli is destroyed, she will not only lose the people she loves; the universe will ultimately unravel."
See how it gets to the crux of the story without dragging it down? Sometimes doing something as simple as omitting an entire paragraph can make all the difference in the world.
Writers always want to be sure we include enough elements to make the query interesting. But I've learned that it's much better to be clear than thorough. Only give enough to spur someone's interest. If you bog everything down with too much detail, you'll get tuned out.
Take a look at your query. Which details need to be there? Which don't? Which sentences sound like summary? Which get to the point quicker? How does your query change when you omit sentences you used to think were absolutely necessary?
2 comments:
I've been working on my short synopsis for Crow's Rest, my WIP, and ran into something similar. In the first few drafts, I had details on how the MC finds out someone (or something) else has taken over her body, and how it happens.
But the important part for the query or short synopsis is that she realizes there's an imposter in her boyfriend's body--the rest is icing that can be saved for the longer synopsis.
Very true! I'm glad you made similar discoveries (and Crow's Rest sounds like a very intriguing book!).
Still not sure if mine has enough pop yet. Will likely still need to tweak it.
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